


Acyrologia

by NamelesslyNightlock



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Allspeak, BAMF Loki (Marvel), Established Relationship, Loki (Marvel) Does What He Wants, Loki is a Diva, Loki is entertaining when bored, M/M, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Tony is an Enabler, and also more than a bit petty, especially with Loki around, reporters really should check their vocabulary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-19 00:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13112184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NamelesslyNightlock/pseuds/NamelesslyNightlock
Summary: Loki’s been pretty quiet lately, so when he suddenly kidnaps a reporter and a cameraman and sets out to attack the Chrysler Building on live TV, the Avengers are understandably a little worried. They and the rest of New York are about to learn why gods of mischief and reporters who are unable to check their own grammar are not a good mix.





	Acyrologia

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I have a peeve.
> 
> Thanks go to [whimsicalwombat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whimsicalwombat/pseuds/whimsicalwombat) for the title.

" _Chaos in the streets today as the criminal known only as the Rhino attacked a bank full of people in Queens earlier this afternoon. Thankfully the Rhino was not interested in taking hostages and there were only minimal injuries…"_

The news blurred through the corner of Tony’s senses, focused as he was on the StarkPad in front of him. He already knew the outcome of the fight; Peter had texted him to let him know he was okay, like always (or, well, at least since Tony maybe had a meltdown that one time) and anything else, such as the entirely destroyed bank behind the reporter, was inconsequential.

However, that didn’t mean he was completely tuned out from the world around him.

“ _…but unfortunately, in the time it took for Spiderman to incapacitate the Rhino, the bank was left utterly decimated.”_

If the sudden silence from the television hadn’t caused Tony to look up, the crash and the ear-splitting scream of dying technology would have.

The positioning of the dagger imbedded in the screen might have left doubt as to the precision of the thrower’s aim, but Tony knew that while it hit off-centre, the placement was consistent with the exact spot between the field reporter’s eyes. The television screen was still flickering with patches of colour as it attempted to hold on to life, but Tony knew tech, and this one was well and truly done for.

Slowly, Tony’s gaze drifted towards the couch where, only moments ago, he knew Loki had been sprawled with a blanket and a mug of tea. But the god was on his feet, his fists shaking at his sides, his teeth clenched in a familiar rage. Doing a quick mental rewind, Tony thought he might know what had Loki so worked up.

“Man, I hate how the media does that,” Tony said, keeping his tone light as he stood from his armchair and moved to stand beside Loki. “Really gets on my nerves.”

Loki looked away from the flickering corpse of the television, his green gaze falling on Tony with question. “You also find grievance with their words, Anthony?” he asked, a faint hint of amusement amongst the still clear irritation.

“Peter doesn’t deserve that,” Tony agreed. “It used to just be the _Bugle_ , but lately other stations have been jumping on the ‘let’s hate everything Spidey ever does even though he’s only trying to help people’ wagon.”

Loki frowned. “I do not think we are referring to the same issue.”

“I mean, I get it when they do it to _me_ ,” Tony continued, “I’ve made as many mistakes as I have otherwise - more, if I’m being honest. I can’t blame them for doubting. But Peter is nothing more than an innocent, pure cinnamon roll, and if it weren’t for Pep constantly reminding me about lawsuits I would fight anyone that says otherwise. I mean, what harm has Peter ever actually done? He’s only ever gone up against relatively small scale villains, and— whoa, Lokes, what’s the occasion?”

The smirk that graced Loki’s face was downright evil, and combined with his recently conjured battle armour - complete with horned helmet and more of the sharp daggers that had brought the television to its untimely end - he looked just as he did when about to do battle with the Avengers in Central Park.

“I have some mortals to see about a camera,” said Loki, and then he was gone.

“That little shit,” Tony said to the empty room, feeling that familiar fond exasperation. “Where’s he gone, J?”

Tony wasn’t expecting an immediate response, but it would seem that Loki was abandoning subtlety entirely.

“It appears that Mr Liesmith has kidnapped a reporter and a cameraman from outside the destroyed bank in Queens.” JARVIS sounded downright affectionate. “It was all caught on tape. He is currently teleporting around the city with both people and their equipment… the footage is still being broadcasted live. He must have augmented it with magic.”

“He’s… kidnapped a reporter?” Tony didn’t know why he was surprised.

“The same one that was discussing Spiderman moments ago, yes, Sir.”

“Of course he did.” Tony rubbed at his temples. “J, I need a drink.”

“If I may, Sir, Captain Rogers is asking for your presence on the common floor.”

Oh, great.

“He’s watching the news, isn’t he?”

“Indeed.”

“Fan-fucking-tastic. Tell him I’m on my way.”

As it turned out, Steve was not the only one watching Loki’s flight through the city live and in high definition - the whole team had turned out for the show.

“Did I miss movie night or something?” Tony asked as he strode between the couches and threw himself in the seat beside Bruce. “I am _hurt_ that I wasn’t invited.”

“You were,” said Natasha, not bothering to take her eyes from the screen. “But you blew us off for a hot date, and now we’re all just wondering how that went so far south that your boyfriend is currently running the length of the city with two civilians in tow.”

Tony blinked. “Uhm, you’ve lost me. Start from the beginning?”

“We know you’re fucking the Asgardian asswipe, Stark,” said Clint. “No offence, Thor.”

Tony held up a finger, and pretended to think. “Let’s see… nope. Still not understanding. Me and _Thor_? Does not compute, and all that.”

“They are referring to your relations with my _brother_ , Stark,” said Thor, his brow furrowed. “Surely you can understand that.”

“Yeah, I’ll admit I got that part, but I’m _not_ having ‘relations’ with Loki,” Tony denied. “He’s a villain. That would be totally against the Avengers dating policy. I know, because trust me, I have checked. And to be honest, some of it seemed a _little_ targeted.”

“Tony,” said Steve, speaking over Thor’s disbelieving snort. “Give us some credit. Loki hasn’t destroyed anything in almost a year, limiting his attacks to mischief in Central Park—“

“Yeah, why is it _always_ Central Park?” Clint asked, looking between them all with honest bafflement on his face. “Seriously, why?”

“And he certainly never attacks us with intent to kill,” Steve finished, ignoring Clint along with the rest of them.

“I know my brother,” Thor added, his voice deep and laced with seriousness. “I know when he is really, truly fighting, and recently, he has been playing just as he did when we were younger.”

“Also,” said Natasha, cutting in with a signature smirk. “You had JARVIS give us access to the security system. You can’t have expected we just wouldn’t _look_.”

“Yeah, and I _really_ wish that we hadn’t.” Clint pulled a face. “There are just some things you can’t unsee, man.”

Tony looked to Bruce, wide-eyed, but his science bro simply shrugged and gave a fond smile.

“And you didn’t think to _tell me?_ ” Tony asked, half whining. “All this time, stressing about being found out—“

“You can’t have stressed too hard,” said Clint, laughter replacing his earlier disgust. “I mean, we’ve known for months.”

“Longer,” said Natasha, and Tony groaned.

“Can we focus, please?” asked Steve, glaring at them half-heartedly, the shine in his eyes giving away his amusement. He gestured to where blurred images of New York continued to flow together amidst flashed images of Loki and the reporter he had kidnapped, clearly trying to settle on a location to terrorise. “We have something more serious than Tony’s ghastly ability to keep a secret.”

“Hey, I can keep secrets.” Tony pouted. “I make stuff for a super secret organisation, remember?”

“I am Iron Man,” chanted Natasha, and Clint, and Bruce, and Steve, and even goddamn JARVIS _the traitor—_

But okay, point.

“I hate you all,” said Tony, shooting a glare up at the ceiling. “Especially you. You’re supposed to be on _my_ side.”

“As always, Sir,” replied the sarcastic bastard, and Tony grinned proudly.

“Oh dear.” Bruce gestured to the screen, bringing all of their attention back to the problem at hand. “Look’s like he’s found his spot.”

“And it’s _not_ Central Park,” said Clint, shaking his head. “And here I thought the guy was almost becoming predictable. Seriously, why _does_ that keep happening?”

“He likes the squirrels,” Tony replied offhandedly, and Thor barked a laugh.

Onscreen, Loki was standing in the middle of a New York intersection, his arms raised. The camera angle was pretty shitty, but even so they were able to see a green, shimmering barrier go up around the intersection. Taxis and screaming pedestrians were able to pass through it in order to get away from Loki, but anything coming towards the intersection stopped like flies in honey.

“Loki is at Lexington and 42nd Street,” said JARVIS, providing information that they had all mostly worked out for themselves.

“The Chrysler Building,” said Steve, eyes widening.

“Well,” said Clint. “There definitely aren’t many squirrels there.”

“That’s only a few blocks away,” Tony said, gesturing to where they could see the top of the building itself through the window. “I can be there in under a minute.”

“What’re you waiting for then?” asked Natasha, raising an eyebrow. “Going to go and retrieve your errant boyfriend?”

“He’s not—“

“Stark, come on.” Clint grinned, his eyes sparkling with mirth. “We’ve covered this. We _know_.”

“I was going to say that he’s not _errant_ ,” Tony continued. “I know exactly where he is. He’s at the Chrysler Building.”

“Yes, and he’s terrorising innocent people,” Steve interjected.

“But not hurting them,” Thor replied, and Tony grinned in agreement. “Perhaps we should let him be for a bit.”

“Thor’s right,” said Tony, nodding. “It’s the best plan.”

“How, exactly?” asked Bruce delicately, and Tony had the feeling that he was being analysed for signs of psychosis. _Not that kind of doctor, my ass._

“Because my brother needs an outlet.” Thor gestured to the screen, where Loki was clearly attempting to get the cameraman to cooperate with little degrees of success. “If he does not vent, he will explode - much like myself, but with less lightning and more screaming.”

“Amen to that,” said Tony, giving Thor a salute. “Glad we’re on the same page, at least.”

“You know what I want to know?” asked Clint.

“Barton, I have long since given up attempting to understand how your brain works,” Tony replied, and Clint grinned.

“From you, I’ll take that as a compliment. But seriously– why _is_ Loki throwing a tantrum?” he shared an amused look with Natasha. “Lover’s spat?”

Tony blanched. “ _No—_ “

“We know how it goes, Tony,” said Natasha, moving forward to lay a ‘comforting’ but honestly _condescending_ hand on his shoulder. “We’ve all been there. Everyone has moments where they just can’t stand—“

“I didn’t do anything,” Tony insisted.

“Sometimes, that’s just the problem,” Natasha replied with the perfect poker face, and Tony groaned.

“It could be important,” Clint continued. “You know what they say about motives—“

“And you could be the key to calming him back down,” Natasha added. “Of course, if it _was_ you, then seeing him could only make it worse. And we all know what Loki’s capable of.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Thor said ominously.

“Tony,” Steve cut in, his voice low and careful. “It’s not our business what goes on behind closed doors between you and your boyfriend, but this is the first time Loki’s done something like this in a while. Nat and Clint are right, if you’ve pissed him off—“

“I didn’t!”

“—then it quite possibly might be a matter of national - if not _world_ \- security.”

“Honestly, I know I have a bad track record with relationships, but I swear that this time it wasn’t me!”

“Sir’s analysis is correct,” said JARVIS, and Tony relaxed.

“Thank you! Saved by the AI.”

“It was the newscast that set Mr Liesmith on his current path of vengeance.”

“Vengeance?” asked Steve worriedly.

“That is what his pattern suggests,” JARVIS answered. “However, it is not entirely exact. It seems that what Mr Liesmith has in mind is more in line with the notion of _poetic justice_.”

With that worrying thought in mind, the Avengers focused back on the screen, where Loki finally had the camera in position so that both he and the reporter were clearly on screen.

“How many floors does this building have?” Loki was asking.

“I… don’t know,” the reporter answered, her voice shaking with terror. And honestly Tony couldn’t blame her - Loki’s preferred method of travel was nausea inducing, and the poor lady had been subjected to it multiple times in quick succession.

“Then _find out_ ,” Loki hissed, and the reporter fumbled with her phone, tapping at it quickly while Loki stared up at the building, his expression a picture of impatience.

“What is he up to?” asked Steve, his brow furrowed.

Tony, once more mentally reviewing the newscast Loki had been watching in consideration with the question about floors, groaned with sudden clarity.

“Oh crap,” he said, eyes widening. “This is going to be _entertaining_.”

“I don’t like it when Stark uses that word,” said Clint, raising his hand in the air as if trying to get attention. “It usually means things are going to blow up.”

“I disagree,” said Thor, a grin sliding across his face. “ _I_ certainly enjoy the things that the Man of Iron deems worthy of entertainment.”

“Tony,” said Steve in that tone of voice that made Tony feel like he was about to spend lunchtime in detention. “Explain.”

“Did I say entertaining?” Tony squeaked, “No, no way, I meant _bad_. Or maybe expensive. Most likely both.”

“Google says seventy-seven,” a female voice suddenly announced, and Tony only realised a few moments later that it was the reporter on the television screen, holding out her phone towards the imposing Norse god in front of her.

“Seventy-seven?” Loki huffed in annoyance, his face turning more toward the camera. “Well that’s… inconvenient.”

The reporter gulped.

“No matter.” Loki tilted his head. “Ask Google how _tall_ the building is.”

A pause, while the reporter tapped away again.

“One thousand and forty six feet.” The reporter took one glance at the dark expression on Loki’s face, and tacked on: “Sir.”

“Mortals,” Loki spat, his eyes narrowing. “What about when converted into other units?”

The reporter’s face was growing paler in correlation with Loki’s rising irritation, but she dutifully began the entry into the Google search bar.

“Three hundred and nineteen meters. Sir.“

Loki visibly grit his teeth. “Precisely?”

A few more taps. “Er, Wikipedia says three hundred and eighteen point nine meters, Sir.”

“Next,” Loki snapped.

“Okay, in yards, three hundred and forty eight point—“

“Next!”

“Zero point one seven—“

Loki snarled, and knocked the reporter’s phone out her hands.

“Fine! We shall do this the hard way!”

“ _Expensive,”_ Tony reiterated, and Steve shot him a glare.

“Maybe we should go and do something about it,” said Bruce, his eyes wary. “Loki could be causing some serious trouble. He looks pretty pissed, he might actually hurt someone this time.”

“Don’t be silly, Brucie,” said Tony, gesturing back to the screen. “I said expensive, not dangerous. Look, he’s even evacuating the place.”

Indeed, behind Loki and the reporter it was evident that people had been streaming from the doors of the Chrysler Building the whole time the camera been rolling. The equipment was even picking up some of the sounds, and they were clearly shouting about Loki being in the upper floors. Illusions, probably– Loki’s specialty.

“He’s playing around,” Thor repeated firmly, leaving no room for argument.

“So, are we in agreement that we’ll let Loki have his fun until it looks like either people are going to be hurt or serious structural damage is about to occur?” Tony asked, taking advantage in the momentary lull in conversation both on screen and in the room.

Thor nodded immediately, but the others looked more hesitant.

“I’m not sure this is a good idea,” said Bruce.

“Reminder that I can be over there in under a minute,” Tony said quickly. “Come _on_ Bruce, you heard what Thor said.”

“We still haven’t covered the fact that you are _dating_ a super villain,” Clint pointed out.

“That’s a tomorrow problem,” said Tony, waving his hand.

Steve narrowed his eyes. “ _You’re_ the futurist, I thought you didn’t believe in ‘tomorrow problems.’”

“You’ve got me there,” Tony admitted. “Seriously, though—“

“They’re moving,” Natasha interrupted, and they all glanced back at the screen to see the reporter with her hands on her knees, shaking off the nausea brought on by another relocation. She, Loki, and supposedly the unseen cameraman were all now standing on the roof of what Tony easily recognised as the Grand Hyatt, with the Chrysler Building flush in front of them. They were now literally just down the road from Avengers Tower.

“We are going to get so much shit for just sitting here,” said Clint, and Steve made a wounded noise in the back of his throat.

“I don’t know why this is just _our_ problem,” said Tony, and Natasha shot him an annoyed look.

“Really, Tony?” said Natasha, arching a disapproving eyebrow, but Bruce was chuckling behind her so Tony figured his point couldn’t have been too far off the mark and kept going.

“No, seriously. What are the police even doing?”

“They are stuck behind Loki’s barrier,” said Thor.

“Oh,” said Tony. “Yeah, okay, legit excuse.”

“Citizens of Midgard,” Loki announced into the camera, and the Avengers’ attention was once again snared. “I hope I have gained your attention, for I have an announcement.”

“He should have started with this,” said Clint. “Seriously. This would have been a good opener. He ruined it with the whole being annoyed by architecture thing.”

“My brother is a brilliant showman,” Thor said. “But he is used to giving speeches to crowds, not on television.”

Steve winced, and Tony knew he was remembering Stuttgart.

“Earlier this afternoon,” Loki continued, his eyes flashing as he stood square to the camera, “I was listening to a news item by this very reporter beside me.” The reporter gulped. “She made a mistake.”

The reporter’s eyes rolled, and she fell to the ground in a dead faint.

“What’d ya do to her?” came another voice.

“Cameraman,” Natasha muttered.

“Do not blame me for the weakness of you mortals,” said Loki dismissively, not even glancing from the camera. “She’ll be fine. Regardless: pay close attention, Midgardians. I, Loki of Asgard, will show you the true meaning of the word _decimate_ , and you are all going to watch.”

“We need to go,” said Steve, getting to his feet, but Tony held up a hand.

“Wait.”

Clint jumped up. “You heard him! He’s going to destroy the—“

“Not destroy,” said Thor, shaking his head. “Were you not listening?”

Bruce let out a soft laugh, and they all turned to him in shock.

“Thor’s right, Steve.” Bruce’s eyes twinkled. “Loki never said he’d _destroy_ it. He said he’s going to _decimate_ it.”

Clint frowned. “That’s the same thing.”

“No,” said Tony, his smile slowly widening. “It’s _not_.”

“Acyrologia,” breathed Bruce. “It makes sense.”

“Gesundheit,” said Clint, tilting his head, and Tony snickered.

Bruce sighed in exasperation. “Hey, Thor,” he said, “Have you heard that word before? _Decimate?_ ”

“Many times, mostly in regard to sporting events,” Thor replied, frowning. “Though I have always found the Midgardian practice of slaughtering one tenth of the losing team in a football game to be rather on the harsh side.”

Clint and Steve gaped.

Bruce, on the other hand, nodded like what Thor had said made total sense. “Of course, just as I thought. It’s the Allspeak.”

“Thor,” said Natasha, her face brightening with understanding and curiosity. “What language are you speaking right now?”

“My mother tongue, of course,” he replied. “As Banner has surmised, the gift of Allspeak allows me to both understand you, and be understood _by_ you.”

“Instant translation,” Tony added, having been subjected to a much lengthier and more detailed explanation once before. “Like having a TARDIS installed in your brain.”

“That just sounds painful,” said Bruce, wrinkling his nose.

“Oh,” said Steve. “So whenever anyone uses a word incorrectly—“

“It also translates incorrectly,” Natasha cut in.

“Like earlier, when Nat referred to Loki as Tony’s _errant_ boyfriend,” said Bruce, and Tony sighed because _come on._ “Had she mistakenly used the word _errand_ , it is unlikely any of _us_ would have noticed, but when translated—“

“It would have made no sense at all.” Steve nodded. “So when the news reporter said ‘decimated’, Loki heard the equivalent word in his language—“

“And thus Thor’s belief that the punishment for losing a football match is death by firing squad,” Clint finished.

There was a pause.

“I almost feel sorry for the guy,” Steve admitted, and Tony stared in shock.

“Can you repeat that for the masses?”

Steve sighed. “It’s just that I understand what he’s going through, at least in this instance. I may have grown up speaking English, but while most things are the same, _some_ things have changed, though the difference is subtle enough that I don’t pick up on it until too late.”

Tony giggled, remembering the time that Steve had referred to Pepper as a ‘ducky shincracker’ to her face at one of the Maria Stark Foundation’s charity balls. Steve clearly knew _exactly_ what he had been thinking about, and glared.

“Still not enough to make me want to attack the Chrysler Building though,” Steve pointed out, and Tony sighed.

“Our loss, I guess. I know a good many people who’d pay to see that.”

 _Although_ … watching Loki do anything was a treat in and of itself, but watching him do what he did best was something else entirely.

With that thought in mind, Tony turned back to the television just in time to catch the moment when Loki summoned a giant tape measure.

“What,” said Clint, and all conversation about things so droll as language came to a halt.

“I shall reduce the height of this building by exactly one hundred and four point six feet,” Loki announced, his eyes flashing a poisonous green in the brightness of the sunlight being reflected by thousands upon thousands of windows. “Be sure not to blink– it’ll be the work of only a moment.”

As one, the Avengers turned away from their screen and stared out of their own window, jaws slackening with shock at the top hundred feet of the Chrysler Building – the top _one hundred and four point six_ feet exactly – was engulfed in a swirl of green and then vanished.

Natasha broke the stunned silence. “Surely _this_ constitutes serious structural damage,” she pointed out, her voice unnervingly bland.

“Probably?” Tony said, his voice unsure. “I mean. He just disappeared it.”

“Like magic,” said Clint, wiggling his fingers in the air. “ _Poof_.”

“No,” said Thor. “That _was_ magic.”

“You know, I’m starting to see what Bruce meant,” Clint replied, turning to face Thor with a raised brow. “If the only reason why you’re not getting my jokes is because you can’t properly understand what I’m saying then we need to teach you proper English ASAP.”

“You call your own words _proper_ English?” asked Steve, sounding miffed.

Thor let out a booming laugh, and Clint pouted. Tony rather thought the god would be playing with this new assumption of theirs more than strictly necessary.

“I do wonder about the mechanics behind it, though,” Bruce muttered. “I mean, language evolves all the time. People misuse the word ‘decimate’ so often that it might as well mean what they think it does. Surely intent helps shape the word?”

“Intent doesn’t change the way a person perceives the word,” Natasha pointed out. “Context might, but intent itself? No. If it did, we wouldn’t _need_ language to communicate.”

“It is magic beyond the minds of mortals,” said Thor, and maybe this was one of those times that Tony _could_ believe that he and Loki had been raised together.

“You have a point about intent, Nat,” said Clint, gesturing back to the TV that he, unlike the rest of the Avengers, remained glued to. “I mean, Loki’s _intent_ isn’t going to stop those police helicopters from shooting at him, and I don’t think he’ll be holding back any longer if they do.”

“Right,” said Tony, jumping up immediately. “This isn’t a police matter. Time to make this _our_ problem.”

Bruce stared at him unflinchingly. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re very inconsistent?”

“If I say ‘constantly’, does that mean they’re all wrong on principle?” Tony shot him a wink. “J, I need a suit.”

“Any preference?”

“Surprise me.”

“Of course you only go when the immortal deity is threatened,” Steve sighed. “Never mind about the thousands of innocent civilians.”

“They’re fine,” Tony said dismissively, waving a hand as JARVIS assembled the red and gold armour around him. “Better than, really. I mean, they got a free show, front line to history. ‘The day the top of the Chrysler Building disappeared because a god got pissy over a grammatical mistake.’ I’m sure the Internet will be talking about for at _least_ a week.”

“Tony,” Steve sighed.

“Aw, come on, Capsicle. You heard Clint - really, I’m protecting New York’s finest. The boys – and ladies – in blue need me. J, window.”

Even with the added time required to dodge around the circling police helicopters, Tony landed on the roof of the Grand Hyatt with fourteen seconds left in his allocated minute.

“Hey guys,” he said, not bothering to hide his preen when the cameraman and now conscious reporter visibly sagged in relief at the sight of him. “What’s up?”

“Iron Man!” the reporter gasped, fumbling to get back to her feet. “What took you so long?”

“What, no thanks?” Tony asked, placing his hands on his hips, and Loki snickered.

“Fools,” said Loki, his smirk arrogant and simply dripping with smugness. “He’s not here for _you._ ”

Tony didn’t even give the two the chance to respond, simply stepping out of the armour and shrugging. “He’s not wrong. I’m _definitely_ here for the god in the leather pants.”

“But you’re Iron Man,” the reporter stressed. “You’re an _Avenger_.”

“I’m also very firmly on _his_ side at the moment.” Tony turned to Loki. “Though you _could_ have gone about this in a way that caused me a little less trouble back home.”

Loki flashed his teeth as he grinned. “And where’s the fun in that?”

“They all know,” Tony said, and glared when Loki merely laughed. “They’ve known for _months_ , apparently.”

Loki shrugged, his grin still wide. “Given the experience and skill set of your friends, I would be more surprised if they hadn’t worked it out.”

“So it was only me that didn’t know?”

“I certainly didn’t know about this development,” said the reporter, and Tony glared.

“Stay out of this.”

“Yes, dear,” said Loki, rolling his eyes and ignoring the reporter entirely. “You were the only one out of the loop.”

Tony pouted.

“Why are you here, if not to stop me?” Loki asked, and then it was Tony’s turn to roll his eyes.

“You chose to disappear half of the building directly opposite Avengers Tower and you wonder why I’m here?”

“One _tenth_ ,” Loki corrected.

“Right. How could I forget.”

“So I suppose I did get the Midgardians’ attention then?” Loki asked.

Tony gestured to the sky incredulously. “Did the cavalry not give it away?”

Loki smirked. “Good. Then perhaps a few have learned something.” He turned to the reporter and the shivering cameraman, whose equipment appeared to still be running. “What do you think? Have you learned anything?”

They nodded quickly, and Tony sighed, glancing up once again. It was a sorry sight to see, the Chrysler Building without its iconic triangle windows. There was something inherently wrong to look at that masterpiece of twentieth century human engineering to see only an oblong prism, with a flat top as if it had been cleft with a laser-honed edge straight through one of the upper floors.

“It’s a shame, really,” said Loki, sounding like he thought anything but. “With the shape and the colour, it’s the closest thing to Asgardian architecture in this city.”

“And I’m sure that had absolutely nothing to do with why you chose it.”

“Absolutely. As you said, it’s right outside your window.” Loki winked. “You know how I love an _adoring_ audience.”

“You’re such a diva,” Tony said, totally owning the sappy fondness he knew was practically dripping from his voice. “Only you would hear a grammatical error on TV and then go and do _this._ ”

Loki smirked. “Oh, but I’m not entirely finished,” he drawled, and Tony braced himself.

Loki stalked forward toward the two unfortunates by the camera, his steps long and graceful, his movements provoking some primal instinct to cower in fear.

“You know what they say here on Midgard,” he said as he moved, voice smooth and deep. “A lesson that ends with a death is far better learned.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s _not_ what they say,” Tony started, but Loki shook his head.

“No, I am quite certain that it is. After all, a traditional lesson results in the person who made the mistake learning something. But if that person _dies_ from their mistake, then everyone else shall be far less inclined to repeat it.” Loki smiled. “I am simply being efficient.”

And the fact that Tony could follow Loki’s logic there was surely a sign that someone else should be trying to talk Loki down from murdering people on the basis of a grammatical error. How was this his life?

Glancing around quickly with his useful _what would Cap do_ mantra running through his head, Tony searched for something to counter with.

_Bingo._

“So _that_ –“ Tony gestured to the now nine hundred and forty one point four foot tall building, “–is not enough to scare them?”

“No. _That_ is simply entertaining.”

Tony turned his face upwards, though who knew to which god he prayed. One of the two he believed in was probably warm on the couch cackling at Tony’s predicament, while the other was the predicament himself. It was probably karma for his taunting of the Avengers earlier… though, if he were being honest, Tony didn’t entirely disagree.

Taking Tony’s silence as acquiescence, Loki turned his attention back to the camera.

“Yes, this is indeed a bright day for Midgard, for you shall never forget the lesson I shall impart.” The cameraman gulped, and Loki’s grin turned feral. “So now, in order to eliminate the chances of further malapropisms, I think I shall teach you the meaning of the word ‘desiccate’.”

“Oookay,” said Tony, moving closer and tugging Loki away by the arm. He may have declared for team Loki and thus far done a horrible job as Loki’s acting moral compass, but he had _enough_ common sense to recognise dangerous waters. “I think we already know that one.”

“ _You_ are not an appropriate standard,” Loki hissed, tugging back but clearly just for show, or he would have been free immediately. “You knew the proper meaning of ‘decimate’, unlike the rest of the pathetic mortals on this planet.”

“Yeah, well.” Tony shrugged. “I’ve always been good at numbers. Plus, being interested in warfare used to be an occupational necessity for me, and the Romans were once the best in the business.”

“ _I_ know what ‘desiccate’ means,” said the reporter. She sounded hopeful, like maybe she could get out of being used for the demonstration due to her possession of this knowledge– and Loki glared at the interruption.

“A bit of advice, sweetheart?” said Tony, his face stony as he glanced at the reporter. “Shut up. You’re not helping.”

“I _don’t_ know what a mala-pro-whatever is,” the cameraman admitted, and Tony wished he could throw something at him.

“It is something you should learn to avoid,” said Loki, his voice threatening. “Just as you should me.”

“Alright, you’ve proved your point,” Tony said, shifting his hand so it rested on Loki’s shoulder and pressing gently. “I think they’re all sufficiently terrified, death or no. And besides - it won’t be long before the police decide I’m not making enough headway and start firing at us, even with these two idiots on the roof with us.”

“Hmm.” Loki tilted his head, like a predator considering whether a tiny prize was worth the effort. Tony recognised the look as an opening, and shifted once again to stand in front of the god, placing himself so close that he could smell the herbal tea that still infused Loki’s breath from less than an hour before, and yet far away enough that they were not touching.

“Lokes,” he said. “Is the murder of two mortals via death by dehydration really the one thing you want to be doing right now? Can’t you think of anything more… desirable?”

“Not right at this moment,” the god replied, though Tony saw the flash of interest in his eyes. “Though you _are_ good with ideas.”

Tony grinned wolfishly. “That’s me; the ideas man.”

“Tell me, then. What would _you_ do to cement this lesson?” Loki’s eyes tightened infinitesimally even as one corner of his lips pulled up. It was an expression Tony knew well, and one that had warmth blossoming in his heart.

A test. If there was something Tony was familiar with when it came to Loki, it had to be this. They’d tested each other from the beginning, testing intelligence, testing limits, testing trust. They’d based their relationship on a myriad of tests that had turned to reassurances which became affirmations, and they had long since reached the point of teasing and daring rather than exercises of faith.

This was another test, one that Tony thought he’d already half passed. The cat was already out of the bag, at least so far as Tony was concerned. He’d never really cared what the press or the people thought of him– after all, betrayal could only ever come from those who were close. And the Avengers already knew.

But even so, Tony knew that he would never be able to pass up such a challenge from Loki.

It only took half a step and half a second to close the distance, and Tony captured Loki’s sigh of pleasure with his lips.

“Oh yes,” Loki purred, pulling back only enough that his speech was un-garbled, and Tony shivered for the remaining whispers of contact. “I think I agree with _this_ course of action.”

“Not doing much for the lesson, though,” said Tony, his hands running over leather and metal and aching to twist into the hair that was currently hidden beneath that ridiculous helmet. “Maybe I should—“

Tony’s half-hearted step back was halted with a firm grasp around his waist, and Loki pressed forward to nip at Tony’s mouth in irritation.

“The Midgardians could learn a lot from this, I’d wager,” Loki said, voice low, “But I still believe their death would have a greater impact.”

“A greater impact than _us?_ ” Tony smirked. “Please.”

“Or perhaps we could spin this to our advantage.”

Loki turned, but didn’t move away from Tony even slightly. Their sides were plastered together, their arms entwined and wrapped around waists, and Tony’s smile turned soft as he allowed his head to rest ever so gently against Loki’s shoulder. Loki turned his eyes skyward, and when he spoke his voice resonated clearly through the brisk New York air.

“I have a proposal.”

There were a few intermittent moments while the helicopters scrambled to contact their superiors and locate their loudspeakers, but they got their act together quickly.

“Loki, stand down,” called an officer, leaning out from his helicopter, and Tony had to hide a laugh.

Amateurs.

“My proposal is this,” Loki continued, not even bothering to dignify the statement with a response. “I will return your building to its former… state, if and only if, in return, I am provided with the guarantee that the Avengers, and specifically Iron Man, will receive no consequence for their part in today’s events. Oh, and that your offspring shall be given proper educations in their own native language.”

There was another pause, though this one had an undertone of shock. No doubt more discussion with the higher ups occurred, however, and then–

“The United States does not negotiate with terrorists.”

Well. They probably should have seen that coming.

“Oh come _on_ ,” Tony groaned. “They’re comparing you to a terrorist?”

Loki shot him an amused look. “I did just attack one of New York’s landmarks, and I’ve caused your world a lot of trouble. I think I fit the description pretty well.”

“You don’t create _terror_ though,” Tony argued back. Well, except for that _one_ time. “Just sort of… mayhem.”

“Thank you for your summation of my abilities, Anthony,” Loki sighed, and if not for the glint in his eye Tony might have worried about retaliation for the comment. As it were, Loki turned his attention back to the police. “I’m not negotiating, mortal,” he said, his tone holding all the authority of the prince he’d been raised as. “I am _telling_ you that if you do not agree to my terms, your building will remain in this state until _you_ deem fit to fix it. Or perhaps even longer than that, depending on my mood at the end of this discussion.”

And yeah, Tony wasn’t _blind_. He could see the police looking down at him, pleading, and he could see the desperate stares of the almost forgotten news duo across the roof. They were all expecting Iron Man to sort it out.

Tony sighed.

Seriously, where was the rest of his team? Laughing at him while eating popcorn in his tower, probably.

After shooting a glare across to Avengers Tower on principle, Tony tilted his face back towards Loki and pressed his lips to the spot below the god’s ear.

“Maybe you _could_ be a little lenient,” he suggested. “Show of good faith, and all that?”

Loki raised his brow.

“Yeah, okay, guess I forgot who I was talking to. But, you know the old ‘catch more flies with honey’ shtick.”

“And here I thought I _was_ being nice,” Loki sighed, and once more Tony found himself stifling a laugh against Loki’s shoulder. “But maybe I could be… _convinced_ to be more lenient.”

“Now you’re just exploiting me.”

Loki’s lip twitched. “Is it working?”

As Tony craned his neck and slid their lips together - and great, after all this the whole world would know that he had to stand on his toes to kiss his boyfriend - he knew that Loki didn’t need a verbal answer. He could feel the god smiling into the kiss, and Loki became more pliant yet equally more demanding as he responded with vigour.

As a negotiation tactic? Yeah, this was working.

“The sooner you put the building back, the sooner we can head back to the tower and have some real fun.”

Loki tilted his head slightly. “How do you know the top floors are retrievable?”

“Please,” Tony snorted, “You think I know you so little? You’d never destroy something that you could get use out of later.”

A sly smile shifted across Loki’s face, and he leaned down to kiss Tony again before saying, “And what _can_ I get out of it?”

Tony took one purposeful step back, pulling away from Loki’s grasp and infusing his words with challenge. “Come back to the tower and find out. But I warn you, the Avengers won’t be happy. They’ll only be, ah, placated enough to leave us alone if there is no damage to pin on you.”

“Hm.” Loki stepped forward, but Tony mirrored him and moved back, causing Loki’s eyes to flash with laughter.

“You make whichever decision you want.” Tony shrugged. “I’ll be waiting.”

JARVIS took that as his cue to reassemble Iron Man, and a moment later Tony was flying back toward Avengers Tower. He had just rose in the air, however, when he became distracted by a flash of green.

Tony paused in the air and hovered, a grin plastered across his lips as he watched the top one hundred and four point six feet of the Chrysler Building form back into being, shimmering into existence in the same manner as when Loki conjured his armour.

“What’d’ya know,” Tony said. “Reindeer Games can renege on a plan after all.”

“There is a distinct possibility that this _was_ his plan the whole time, sir,” JARVIS replied, his voice far too entertained to be artificial. “My knowledge of Mr Liesmith’s previous patterns indicate that while you were working earlier, he was bored.”

Tony was somehow not surprised.

“Let’s just get back to the tower, J,” Tony chuckled, and jetted off away from the returned, iconic spire, quite sure that he already knew what was waiting for him back in his penthouse.

The team had, of course, remained glued to the screen and it's needless to say that the pair weren’t interrupted, though not one of the Avengers were comfortable when they rose the next morning to find Loki drinking tea in their kitchen.

And when an alert came in a week later reporting that Loki was rampaging around Central Park with an army of giant squirrels, Clint was caught sighing with relief.

“At least everything is back to normal now,” he said to Natasha, but to his dismay she simply laughed.

And when, along with the rest of the Avengers and the entirety New York, Clint found himself rolling his eyes as Iron Man made out with Loki on top of the Bethesda Fountain as part of his negotiation tactics, he came to realise that nothing would ever be normal, ever again. Strangely, he was all right with that.

 _Normal_ , after all, is a difficult word to define.

**Author's Note:**

> [Acyrologia](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/acyrologia) [/əkɪɹəˈlɒdʒ(i)ə/] ( _uncountable_ )  
> From Ancient Greek ἀκυρολογία (akurología), α-(a, “not”) + κυρος (kuros, “authority”), λογια (logia, “speech”)  
> (1) inexact, improper, or inappropriate use of a word  
> (2) malapropism


End file.
